Any facts about beer
Beer is ancient, it existed in Egypt about 5,000 years ago and people drank it more than water because water back then was hard to purify, and was pretty much a toxic mix of parasites and poisons. As such, all of ancient Egypt was completely drunk 99% of the time, from the slaves to the pharaohs. This may explain why in the 16th dynasty, Prince Thothmotep III and his adviser Ankhamen The Lesser got into a burping contest stated in hieroglyphics to have lasted 13 summers.
Thothmotep, being the reigning king, didn’t play fair. He had his servants pump air into his bowels hourly for the entire 13 year trial, making his burps not only more loud but infinitely more smelly. Ankhamen was said to have borne about ten of these burps every day from the pharaoh, only retaliating with his own conventional beer burps, which were inferior in every measurable way, but still he persevered.
It wasn’t until the death of Setfu Khufir XVIII that Thothmotep, farting and burping about 15 debens of toxic gas at the funeral and knocking out half the paid funeral mourners that the people of Egypt decided something had to be done. Thus was erected the Sacred Butt-Plug of Amunpep Drosser-Bernstein.
Now, you can’t just go stuffing things up the holy rump of a living god, so the people created an ingenious plan to forever constipate their ruler. It began when Lessi-Versiris-Horxor (Not to be confused with her uncle Lessi-Horxor-Versiris) seduced the god-king with an aphrodisiac made from leaves of the Eucalyptus tree, an import from the land that would one day be called Australia. Once seduced she convinced the king that his epic burping and farting was inappropriate during lovemaking, and thus he became willing to insert the Sacred Butt-Plug of Amunpep Drosser-Bernstein. As a result, he died of a bowel obstruction, bringing the great burping contest to a close.
This great lesson of ancient history remained unknown until 1966 when Zahi Hawass discovered the tomb of Thothmotep and the mummy of the great ruler, with his innards relegated to canopic jars but his orifices still plugged with the curse, “Death will come on swift wings to whoever unplugs the pharaoh’s butt.”
And that’s the story of Beer.
